When families move to a new country, parents often carry a big dream: they want their children to learn the local language for school and community life, but they also hope to keep their home language alive. After all, language is more than words; it’s a connection to grandparents, culture, memories, and identity.
But here’s the surprising part: research shows that children themselves play a much bigger role in shaping family language practices than we usually imagine (Fogle & King, 2013; Luykx, 2003; Wilson, 2020). Parents make decisions, yes, but kids negotiate, resist, question, and sometimes push back in ways that can completely reshape how languages are spoken at home.
So if you’re a parent raising children with more than one language, here are some important lessons that can help you be both practical and strategic about keeping your home language strong.
1. Family language decisions are never “final”
You might begin with a clear rule: “We will always speak Spanish at home,” or “Daddy speaks Arabic, Mommy speaks English.” But over time, things shift.
When children are little, it’s often easier to stick to your plan. But as they grow older, they spend more time in school, with friends, and in activities where the majority language dominates. They may come home tired and prefer the school language, or they may want to practice it for homework. With age, children begin to develop their own opinions and sometimes resist the home language as a way of showing independence (Fogle & King, 2013).
This doesn’t mean you’re failing; it’s completely normal. Language is not a contract that stays the same forever. It’s a living practice that grows, bends, and adapts through everyday conversations.
👉 Practical tip: Instead of treating your family language plan like a strict contract, think of it as a flexible agreement you can revisit as children grow. The key is to keep the home language present and meaningful, even if the way it’s used changes over time.
2. Children influence each other
In families with more than one child, siblings often shape each other’s language choices just as much as parents do. Sometimes one child becomes the local language expert (because of school or friends) while another is seen as the home language speaker (because they spend more time with parents or grandparents). This can create tension or competition, especially if parents constantly compare their children’s language skills.
👉 Practical tip: Avoid comparing children’s language skills. Instead, encourage cooperation. Create family routines or games where siblings use the home language together. When language is tied to fun and closeness, it is much more likely to survive in daily family life.
3. Your beliefs matter, but so does flexibility
Parents’ attitudes strongly shape whether children continue speaking the home language (King, Fogle & Logan-Terry, 2008). If you treat your language as valuable, children are more likely to do the same. But at the same time, rigid enforcement can backfire. For example, some parents decide that “local language is for outside, home language is for inside.” But if children push back, refusing to follow the rule, constant conflict may weaken rather than strengthen the bond around language.
👉 Practical tip: Keep your expectations clear, but be willing to adapt. Maybe you accept that children will answer in the local language, but continue to speak to them in your home language. Consistency with warmth often works better than strict enforcement.
4. Children bring the outside world into the home
Children don’t only learn words at school. They also bring home cultural ideas, language norms, and societal attitudes, including ideas about race, identity, and belonging (Fogle & King 2013). Sometimes this can be uplifting, like when a child proudly uses a new word or expression in the local language they learned and wants to teach it to the family. Other times, it can be more challenging. For example, if a child hears from a peer that speaking the home language is “not cool” or “if you speak your home language people will laugh,” they may start resisting it at home.
👉 Practical tip: Pay close attention to the cultural messages your children repeat. Instead of ignoring them, use these moments as opportunities to talk about pride, identity, and the value of being multilingual. For example, if your child says, “People don’t like it when I speak my home language,” you might respond, “Speaking your home language makes you special because it lets you connect with your grandparents and with friends in two countries.”
Final Thoughts
Raising bilingual or multilingual children is not always easy, and there will be moments of frustration. But if you see your children not just as language learners but as active participants, as partners, you can build a stronger foundation for keeping your home language alive.
Remember: Family language practices are not a one-way street where parents decide and children follow. It’s a collaborative achievement (Goodwin, 2006). Everyone, parents, children, siblings, plays a part in shaping how languages are used in the home. And when families treat it as a shared project, children grow up not only fluent in two languages, but also proud of who they are.
References:
Fogle, L., & King, K. A. (2013). Child agency and language policy in transnational families. Issues in Applied Linguistics, 19, 1–25.
Goodwin, M. H. (2006). Participation, affect, and trajectory in family directive/response sequences. Text & Talk, 26(4/5), 515-543.
Luykx, A. (2003). Weaving languages together: Family language policy and gender socialization in bilingual Aymara households. In R. Bayley & S. Schecter (Eds.), Language socialization in bilingual and multilingual societies (pp. 25–43). Multilingual Matters.
King, K. A., Fogle, L., & Logan-Terry, A. (2008). Family language policy. Language and Linguistics Compass, 2(5), 907–922. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1749-818X.2008.00076.x
Wilson, S. (2020). Family language policy through the eyes of bilingual children: The case of French heritage speakers in the UK. Journal of Multilingual and Multicultural Development, 41(2), 121–139. https://doi.org/10.1080/01434632.2019.1595633
Hadis Tamleh
Hadis Tamleh is a PhD researcher at the Leiden University Centre for Linguistics. Her research focuses on the multilingual practices of Iranian migrant families in the Netherlands, exploring how they navigate home language maintenance across generations.
Hadis’s academic interest in multilingualism is deeply rooted in her personal experience. She was born and raised in Kermanshah, Iran, a city where Kurdish is widely spoken alongside Persian, the country’s official language. Although Kurdish was the community language, her parents primarily spoke Persian at home. As a result, she did not develop proficiency in Kurdish during her childhood, which created emotional and communicative challenges, particularly in connecting with relatives who predominantly spoke Kurdish. This experience sparked a personal and academic journey.
Motivated by a desire to reclaim her heritage language, Hadis began learning Kurdish and later conducted research on why many families in Kermanshah choose not to pass on the Kurdish language to their children.
As a researcher, Hadis sees it as her mission to raise awareness about the value of home languages and the importance of maintaining them across generations. She believes that every language matters; not only as a means of communication, but as a carrier of identity, connection, and cultural knowledge.
Contact: h.tamleh@hum.leidenuniv.nl
